Monday, 30 January 2012


So there I was gushing about my 14 pound loss - down to 144. But.. this weekend has ruined me beyond belief, and now I have no idea what to do about it.

Friday - was okay, I just had one glass of wine at the pub as everyone was drinking, didn't really effect my weight.

Saturday - I had to go out for a curry (!!!!) and also it was my mates birthday so was drinking a lot. I didn't eat all day, as normal and then I went and ate a Balti, some naan and chicken tikka. I also drank about a bottle of wine, 2 wkd's, 2 desperados and an amerreto and coke... then woke up and ate some toast. All in all a shit shit day.

And now i've woken up this morning, and i'm 150 POUNDS. WHAT.THE.FUCK. I'm freaking out :(

Saturday, 28 January 2012


So, I've lost a stone!! Why can't I tell?

5 more pounds to lose in 8 days, lets just hope i can do it. hopehopehope. So, I haven't been fasting, at all. But, I read a great post about oranges and the way they help you lead to a flatter stomach - so the last few days I've eaten 3 clementines. And it is working, my stomach is less bloated and my hips are more prominent.

I'm super worried because I just realised that my period is due whilst I'm on holiday. Is all my hard work just going to turn me into a bloated mess in a bikini? Does anyone know if if I were to go back on the pill this week and stop my period - would that stop the bloating??? I NEED HELP!

Other news is that I dyed my hair brown... I'm usually peroxide blonde! It's a big shock but i'm pretty sure i like it.. not sure how long that will last for though, I hate looking plain.

Hope you are all okay beauties. I'm always here for all of you.


Thursday, 26 January 2012

dreams of underweight.

So I've just worked out my BMI is currently 19.9. I feel sick. I remember when I used to have scales that used to automatically count your weight and body fat - this was when I was a lot younger and thinner. They used to always tell me underweight. I bet if i stepped on them now they'd say obese.

I've worked out that in order to get back into the BMI of underweight I need to be 136 - with a BMI of 18.4. So that is my next goal. I know that it won't be possible to lose 11 pounds in the next 10 days. And then (i bet) i'll come back off holiday really fat. So who knows when I'll reach it. But if it's not by the end of February I'll be mad.

So I still have 7 pounds to lose in 10 days. I need advise on how to do it PLEASE. I'm begging you. Any advice/tips/motivation will be amazing.

I found some tablets in my draw called LipoBind the other day. From what i gathered they're to do with fat binding in the food you eat - so apparently out of what you eat only 60% of the calories affect you, the rest are 'binded'. Some woman on the forum wrote something about how she was now allowed a McDonalds because it was 40% less fat.... er NO!! Does anyone know if these are even worth taking if I'm not really eating, or if i do eat it's minimum 200 calories a day? Or can anyone recommend anything else i can get, preferably from a drug store cause I dont have time for internet buying!

lovelovelove xxxxxxx

Wednesday, 25 January 2012


Today I was 146. This makes me happy. I felt like such a zombie all day though because i'd fasted for 2 days. I've ended up going to the gym tonight and burning around 400 - and I've eaten a small apple and a tiny bowl of soup, so around 200 max, more than likely less. I LOVE freedom. I can finally get myself into negative net every day. 7 pounds. 10 days. leeeeeeeGO.

Slight worry that I'll still feel fat at 139 - i feel huge at the moment. I keep putting my bikini on and wondering around the flat to try and make myself feel more comfortable in it. But I cant even look at myself in it. How did I live my life at 158?

I went on the wi-fit today, just because i was bored and wanted something to play on to keep me from going into a lack of food/energy nap. I haven't been on it for over a year but when i measured my weight it said I'd lost a pound since i'd last been on. So basically, over the last year I managed to put a stone on without even fucking realising - I make myself sick.

Finally got around to putting up a picture. But gotta long way to go. I've also realised while I was in the gym that hate my bum. it's so big.


EDIT: okay i removed the pictures. I was just too paranoid. Don't know what i'm going to be like on a beach. shitting myself.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012


Today has been the first day of my fast, it's just gone midnight and I'm 147 pounds... 11 pounds down from when i started.

I know I'm completely off my goals that I set at the start of January but I suppose I can't complain at 11 pounds in 3 weeks. I'm hoping that my fast will help me shift 7 more pounds by the 5th Feb (11 days time!!!). Only then will i be even slightly comfortable on a beach.

My exams finish tomorrow. I admit I have slacked on the exercise over the last week/week and a half but tomorrow at 11.30am brings freedom. Freedom to exercise, freedom to fast, freedom to think thin, freedom to be beautiful.

I don't feel any thiner than what I felt at the start of January. I still feel like a fat mess. I literally can't see where 11 pound has gone from and i just dont.get.why. I see before and after thinspo with people looking completely different at even just a stone loss. I find it hard to believe that I'll even notice any weight loss until I'm at least another 7 pounds down. Does anyone else have this problem?

How's everyone doing?
You guys are my motivation.


EDIT: I've lost my post that i did at the start of January with my targets..? Anyone know where it's run off to?

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Okay, sorry I've been really shitty lately at reading peoples blogs and writing my own. Exams just take over me and lead me into a binging, not sleeping mess.

I'm 148. I have 15 days to get to 139. That's possible right? Exams finish on Wednesday and then i have 10 days of freedom to exercise all day every day.

How is everyone?


Thursday, 19 January 2012


It's started. I binge again. I go from one extreme to another - from starvation to binge/purge.

Some one save me from myself.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

someone stop me.

Today has just been a constant binge. I'm scared to even think of stepping on the scales tomorrow. and i've gotta go out for a meal for someones birthday. i don't know what the fuck to do. Motivation... where are you?

151 :(

Friday, 13 January 2012


so my plan was to finish up work early and have a night to myself... go to the gym, have a bath, get an early night and have lost weight by tomorrow.

Ended up going to the casino, losing £200, eating cheesy chips, drinking 2 beers and not getting in till now - when i've gotta be up in 4 hours.

I just got back and purged. Weighed myself and i'm at 151.

Looks like im going to fail my exams, get fat and lose all my money.

Sorry about the bad mood. I'm just so frustrated at myself.



Finally reached my goal.. 2 days later than planned. 5 more pounds to lose before Wednesday... get me on a treadmill!

Yesterday was awful. I was supposed to be working all day but ended up having to take my friend to the supermarket, and the starbucks, and then MCDONALDS. So i had to sit there while everyone ate mcdonalds. painful. Had the most calories I've had in 2 weeks yesterday - ate leek and potato soup (200), a natural cashew and blueberry bar (250)!!! and a large soya latte (170).

Definitely will not be going near the 'natural' range of snacks. They don't put the calorie content on and as soon as i look on the internet i was disgusted.

Anyway back to work!!

Keep strong girls.


P.S. My OBSESSION with grapes has gone too far. I forgot to add i ate about 300g of grapes aswell yesterday (150) :(

Tuesday, 10 January 2012


First goal of 149 definitely won't be reached by tomorrow. I'm so upset. My fucking period has just gone and fucked everything up. Or my fucking body is just holding in water and whatever the fuck else it wants to make me look fat.

Today's been pretty tough. Had to spend the whole day at uni again because of revision. Then I had to drive my friend to a supermarket to return a favour - which then meant i had to take him home to cook and drive him back to uni after... i'm such a good friend. anyways, he cooked chicken, couscous and pesto and made enough for me and kept trying to give it me. I was SO strong and told him I wasn't hungry. We both knew it was a lie though, as on the way back to uni I was nibbling away at my grapes.

As well as this on the way to the supermarket my other friend wanted a McDonalds. So I had to sit in the car and watch him eat 2 burgers and a McFlurry. It smelt so good.

Revisions not going well. Im well and truely fucked for my exams next week. I've lost all motivation to even care. I'm more annoyed that I've wasted the day at uni and havent had the chance to go to the gym.

Sorry about the rant of a post! Hope everyone's okay.




Monday, 9 January 2012

So I'm on my period. I know a few of you mentioned that that would cause me to put on weight... any one get any ideas of estimates etc? I'm thinking this may have been the reason for my stall throughout the week as well.

I was 150 this morning. I know i shouldn't be weighing myself everyday but i literally can't help it. It's all I think about. I still can't see any results - still feeling/looking like my normal fat self. 300 calories today, had leek and potato soup (205 calories) and bought some marmite rice cakes (94 calories) - marmite rice cakes are RANK by the way. I don't even know why I ate them... I've got an annoying habit of eating what I buy because I hate to waste money (that I dont have) on food that I dont eat.

I hope my period doesn't stop me reaching my goal of 149 by Wednesday :(

Sunday, 8 January 2012


Dropped a pound. I'm now down to 151 - so i can stop stressing about staying the same! Did a ton of exercise yesterday to get rid of the 9 rice cakes. Tomorrow I'm going to fast to get myself down to my target of 149 by Wednesday morning, today I'm just going to keep under 300 calories I guess, and burn it all off before I go to bed.

Yesterday was productive - Managed to do loads of work until midnight and then still went to the gym afterwards. I know its boring, but thats pretty much how my life needs to be for the next 2 weeks until exams are over. i'm already stressing because everyone started revising like a month ago - and as per usual, i left it last minute and started yesterday. If I can keep up this routine, I'll be very impressed with myself.

This week I've been a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. Girls, I think we completely underestimate our willpower. A few months ago my binges were at their worst - and I'd stopped purging, I literally have no idea what caused it but I feel sick when I think how much I used to eat. I'm so glad I've overcome that in the last 2 months.

As i previously mentioned in my first blog.. my ex boyfriend. So, he's just got a new girlfriend... and i just don't know how to feel about it. He was the one that somehow made me feel so wanted I didn't have to be bulimic, and the only one that knew about it.... but then he was also the one that when we broke up turned me into an absolute emotional binger. I guess I've always had the control over the relationship - even though he's had complete control over my emotions.. and now I know longer have control, he has it all. I feel like he's won in a way. Weird.


Saturday, 7 January 2012


152 again today... but no weight loss in a few days is bugging me. Must step up on the exercise.

Today has been okay, had to start revision for my exams so i've been pretty busy. Its now 6pm and I've just had a handful of grapes and a soy latte because I started getting dizzy. It's amazing how much my stomach has shrank. Normally I'd eat a whole bag of grapes as a little snack or something - now i could hardly manage a handful for the whole day.. and now im sitting here bloated and full. I hate this feeling. Seriously considering purging to get rid of it.

Uni exams are coming up... I'm currently in the library (hence the title). I've gotta spend the next 3 weeks revising/doing exams. I can't concentrate though. I just want them to be over so I have more free time.

I bought some rice cakes... thanks to everyone who recommended :D Just got the cheapo diet ones though that taste a bit shit! Will probs go and get some snack-a-jacks tomorrow instead!!

Calorie total for today is about 250... if i don't eat anything else. Net cal should be lower.

How's everyones days been?


Update: ended up eating 6 of those fucking rice cakes. I should not let myself near to snack food.

Friday, 6 January 2012


Good or Bad? Need some ideas of some negative/low cal stacks I can have when i need energy.

How's everyone doing today?



So. I've put on a pound. I have no idea why. Yesterday, I ate a few grapes, soup for dinner and 2 cups of coffee... 300 calories.

At a major low today. If my body carries on like this then I definitely won't meet my first target.

What am I doing wrong?????

Thursday, 5 January 2012


So - I've decided that if I don't reach at least 139 by the end of January I will be fuming. I've thought about it and although I don't want a goal weight I'm going to aspire towards 125 for now. Now I just need some motivation.


152. Today has been a good day.

I didn't mention that I'd gone up to 158 over christmas!! But it's okay, I'm sorting it. I'm going to aim to post everyday, it's such good motivation. At the moment i'm having coffee throughout the day, and then 85 calories of homemade soup for dinner. Hopefully over time I'll be able to ween myself off the soup for weekends or something.

I've decided to make some goals. Would be great to share them with someone.

4th Jan - s/w 158 (11st 4)
11th Jan - 149 (10st 9)
18th Jan - 145 (10st 5)
25th Jan - 140 (10st)
1st Feb - 135 (9st 9) FASTING FROM THE 26TH JAN -  4TH FEB.

Someone tell me... is this being too optimistic? I know I should really aim high to start of with... but i don't want to disappoint myself.

One of my main aims is to stop my bulimic tendencies. I feel so much better restricting than binging and purging.

January is my month.