Saturday, 5 May 2012

master cleanse. FINISHED.

So i finished the master cleanse last Sunday. and it was the best feeling ever to eat again... I just spent a few days eating grapes and fresh OJ. I ended it being 144. But as soon as you go off it and start eating solids again the weight just piles back on. I'm now at 150.5. I feel like it was just a complete waste of 10 days of my life. But I also feel like i could have come off it better, eating less etc, so its kinda made me want to repeat the process again. but better.

Now i'm depressed that i'm 150. and i have the metabolism of like errrr.. a fat person. I dno someone with a really shit metabolism. that's now me. I feel like if i'd never done the MC I would've lost the same just restricting but it would've actually stayed off. Now i just feel shit.

I have a ball to go to on the 14th June. I bought a size 8 dress off asos (no size 10s left and they're not getting any more stock), and it just doesn't fit me. it zips half way up and then its like naaaaah not budging from here. Gutted. I really want to keep it because it looks so good, but i need to lose a lot before it zips up and i'm not sure if i'll do it in time.

I was flicking through old fb pictures earlier and my mate pointed out a picture of me last year and was like oh my god. you look so thin here, like you're legs/shoulders/face/everything look good. that was when i was doing atkins, and eating high calorie - just meat and veg and mayo all the time.

I don't know what to do. I've got exams at the moment so going back on the master cleanse is definitely not ideal. But i NEED to get down to 133 by 14th June. NEED TO. Or at least get down to 140.

I've fucked up my body so much with dieting. I want my metabolism back.  heeeeeeeeeeeelp!

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Day 7

I'm on day 7, today i was 147 - a pound up from yesterday! Whenever i do the salt water flush I seem to stall or gain a pound I think. It's happened on all 3 occasions when I did it, and as soon as i stopped doing it i dropped 3 lbs. I think I need to get some lax tea to use instead.

So I think I have enough maple to last me up until the morning of day 10. And now in my head I'm thinking I have 2 choices... to buy another bottle and keep doing the MC till day 12/13. Or to just have less maple syrup. I'm already having way less than is recommended.. it's supposed to be 2 tbsp in each glass, but i use 1 (smaller) tbsp cause I got freaked out that on the 2nd day I was drinking more calories than i was eating before the master cleanse. So now I have about 150/200 cals a day through about 4 drinks.

They say the master cleanse is a 10 day process, but easing out is very slow or you get severe pains. So Day 11 I have to drink watered down orange juice, Day 2 is juice and some broth... basically 1 vege stock cube and Day 3 is raw fruit and veg.

I'm really hoping I get down to 143 by the end of this process. Which leaves me 10 pounds towards my first goal weight...! (if the MC weight doesn't go back on).

Does anyone have any tips and food that's low cal and raises metabolism? cause my metabolisms going to be pretty much non existent when I come off this and start eating more than 200 calories a day.



Monday, 23 April 2012

Day 5.

Woah, so yesterday was redic. I woke up and couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed for 2 hours, I just had zero energy. When I got up I chased 2 drinks which made me feel a lot better until about 4pm when I got the complete shakes and had to go home and get back into bed.

The annoying this about this diet is you sometimes wake up with energy, and then during the afternoon it just disapears, so you end up being really unproductive. and then at midnight, you get into bed and you have fuck loads of energy and don't get to sleep until like 4... it's really getting annoying.

Annnnnyyyywaaaayyyyzzzz, i'm down to 147.5. I stopped doing the salt water flushes because 1. they're rank. and 2. they made me stall on my weight loss for 3 days which really made me consider quitting the master cleanse. I'll do one on the final day though just to clear all the toxins and stuff from my body.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Day 3.

So that last 2 days have been pretty slow. I've stuck to the master cleanse, doing a salt water flush in the mornings and drinking the 'lemonade' in the day. I'm at 150.5 today. So i've lost around 3 pounds.

I have 8 more full days, including today to go. It's honestly so tough. In my head I feel like I can do it, and keep doing it until i'm at 140, and then slowly introduce the soup diet until July - so hopefully I can be around 130-35 by then. But deep down i dont think my willpowers going to last this long. These 2 days have been the slowest of my life, not because i'm hungry - because I haven't felt hungry once, but because this diet is making me wake up stupidly early, and go to bed stupidly late, and give me major crashes so I don't have energy until late at night. I haven't worked out in a week, I really need to!

How's everyone doing? Hope you're all well!

Always here


Thursday, 19 April 2012

The Master Cleanse.


I started today. Weighing in at 152.6. All I've had today is 4 of the master cleanse drinks (you're supposed to have 6 minimum but I wasn't hungry and was busy!). But I've had a fuck load of water and some peppermint tea aswell. I'm going to bed feeling pretty satisfied, not hungry at all.

I'm really excited to see what happens tomorrow. I really need you guys at the moment, I'm pretty sure the next 9 days are going to be the worst. And I'm really determined to finish it, I'm just not sure if i'll have this same willpower when i'm starving in a few days.

love love x

Wednesday, 18 April 2012



So far so good. I'm down to 153, so 3 pounds. Im still at home so couldn't get out of eating dinner, we just had veg and prawn stir fry though. I put it into myfitnesspal and it came up as only 150! As well as that I've had a tall soya latte and an apple. All in all about 400/450 calories for today.

I was messing around with a BMI calculator and found out I need to be around 133-135 lbs to be underweight for my height.. for some reason I thought i'd be less cause i'm really tall.

I go away for the whole summer in 91 days. I was just wondering how much weight loss you guys think I might be able to lose by then? I'm following a strict diet of no more than 500 calories a day, yet will be eating around 350 or less most days. And I have a gym right around the corner so will be going at least 3/4 times a week doing a lot of cardio and ab/arm work.

I really just want to keep motivated and get to at least 133 by July. If i can get down to 126 that would be absolutely amazing!!

Let's just hope this isn't all talk and I can actually keep up with the targets I'm setting!! Anyone out there doing something similar and what to make some similar weight loss targets? Would be great to do this with someone :)


Sunday, 15 April 2012

My fitness pal

Okay. I've decided to start using myfitnesspal but publishing it on my blog. That way both what I'm eating and the weight I'm losing can be see by others... and hopefully the embarrassment of that will get me back on track.

I haven't decided when I'm doing the master cleanse yet, it all depends on when I go back to uni.

Think thin guys. x

Friday, 13 April 2012


So it's been a month since my last post and all I've done is eat and get fat.

Today i feel low. and so alone. It's like you live your life thinking positive and then one night everything just hits you. and you can't bear it. I spend my life ignoring the negatives in situations, ignoring how alone and unloved i feel, blocking people out, i suppose that's kind of a good thing right? Thinking positive? But then I see my weight creeping up and I know exactly why I'm doing it. Because eating makes people feel better, yea...? NO. this is emotion i need to change.

In January I completely blocked out this urge, I had so much self control I was eating 200 calories a day, exercising loads and feeling amazing. I lost like 12lbs in 3 weeks. And i felt like i was in control of my life for the first time in ages. And then I got comfortable, and forgot about everything and now I'm exactly where i started on the 1st January 2012. 152 pounds. and miserable. I can't bear looking in the mirror, I can't bear looking at my tiny friends who eat anything and everything they want and still look incredible. I've fucked up my body so much that eating steadily for a while means I put on weight. My body is so used to eating soup, and one meal a day that when I act 'normally' it decides I should be obese.

So has anyone heard of the Master Cleanse? I've been meaning to do it for ages. 10 days of drinking water mixed with lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Most people lose around 8-12 pounds in the 10 days and are left detached from their old food habits and emotions. I think this is what I need to get myself back in that mindset. If I can manage 10 days then I can end it by going back onto my soup diet. And hopefully sort my life/body out. But I suppose it's easier said that done. Especially in my case. My last blog post was raving about how thin I was going to get and how determined I was... pretty sure that didn't work out.

Personally, I think the fact that I lost weight so easily in January just gave me the mindset that I could eat whatever I wanted until I put it all back on, just because I can lose it again. But its like although I weight the same, i can tell I'm bigger. Everything. My legs, my bum, my face, my arms. EVERYTHING.

So basically I'm going to start the master cleanse as soon as I go back to uni, which should be sometime over the next week. Until then I'll just be having soup to prepare myself.

I hope people actually read this. I need you right now. I feel so alone.


Saturday, 10 March 2012

Wow I'm shit.

So I did so well all of January because I had something to focus on... my holiday. Apparently, I only work to be thin when i have a close deadline.

So, I'm trying to think of things in my life to focus on to get thin. At the moment I'm going out loads, drinking loads and eating fucking loads - I don't remember the last time I cooked, I dont think I have this year - I am just constantly eating out, getting takeout or eating at friends. AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.

Today I weighed 150.

It's making me feel like shit.

I'm going traveling for 6 weeks over summer, leaving mid-July. I have to be 130 maximum by then. I'm going to be living in a bikini.

Saturday, 25 February 2012


Okay. So basically I haven't been on here in absolutely ages so SORRY for being so shit!

I had an amazing holiday. and i mean FUCKING AMAZING. I left on the 5th Feb and weighed down to 144. Since then I've just eaten complete shit because I didn't put on weight on holiday (and I was eating fucking loads... like an unhuman amount).. which gave me the impression that I had turned into one of those fucking amazing robot human beings who eat whatever the fuck they want and never put on weight....

Well. Guess what? I was wrong.

I am now 149. And ready to get back on it. 

I think I should really set some goals, give me something to keep me motivated you know? My first end goal for when I started was to be 139... and then continue from there. So my goal for now is 139 - 10 pounds loss. I did quite well in January - I lost 14 pounds in a month. So I'm going to say 25th March is my target for 139.

25th March 2012. 139. 

Monday, 30 January 2012


So there I was gushing about my 14 pound loss - down to 144. But.. this weekend has ruined me beyond belief, and now I have no idea what to do about it.

Friday - was okay, I just had one glass of wine at the pub as everyone was drinking, didn't really effect my weight.

Saturday - I had to go out for a curry (!!!!) and also it was my mates birthday so was drinking a lot. I didn't eat all day, as normal and then I went and ate a Balti, some naan and chicken tikka. I also drank about a bottle of wine, 2 wkd's, 2 desperados and an amerreto and coke... then woke up and ate some toast. All in all a shit shit day.

And now i've woken up this morning, and i'm 150 POUNDS. WHAT.THE.FUCK. I'm freaking out :(

Saturday, 28 January 2012


So, I've lost a stone!! Why can't I tell?

5 more pounds to lose in 8 days, lets just hope i can do it. hopehopehope. So, I haven't been fasting, at all. But, I read a great post about oranges and the way they help you lead to a flatter stomach - so the last few days I've eaten 3 clementines. And it is working, my stomach is less bloated and my hips are more prominent.

I'm super worried because I just realised that my period is due whilst I'm on holiday. Is all my hard work just going to turn me into a bloated mess in a bikini? Does anyone know if if I were to go back on the pill this week and stop my period - would that stop the bloating??? I NEED HELP!

Other news is that I dyed my hair brown... I'm usually peroxide blonde! It's a big shock but i'm pretty sure i like it.. not sure how long that will last for though, I hate looking plain.

Hope you are all okay beauties. I'm always here for all of you.


Thursday, 26 January 2012

dreams of underweight.

So I've just worked out my BMI is currently 19.9. I feel sick. I remember when I used to have scales that used to automatically count your weight and body fat - this was when I was a lot younger and thinner. They used to always tell me underweight. I bet if i stepped on them now they'd say obese.

I've worked out that in order to get back into the BMI of underweight I need to be 136 - with a BMI of 18.4. So that is my next goal. I know that it won't be possible to lose 11 pounds in the next 10 days. And then (i bet) i'll come back off holiday really fat. So who knows when I'll reach it. But if it's not by the end of February I'll be mad.

So I still have 7 pounds to lose in 10 days. I need advise on how to do it PLEASE. I'm begging you. Any advice/tips/motivation will be amazing.

I found some tablets in my draw called LipoBind the other day. From what i gathered they're to do with fat binding in the food you eat - so apparently out of what you eat only 60% of the calories affect you, the rest are 'binded'. Some woman on the forum wrote something about how she was now allowed a McDonalds because it was 40% less fat.... er NO!! Does anyone know if these are even worth taking if I'm not really eating, or if i do eat it's minimum 200 calories a day? Or can anyone recommend anything else i can get, preferably from a drug store cause I dont have time for internet buying!

lovelovelove xxxxxxx

Wednesday, 25 January 2012


Today I was 146. This makes me happy. I felt like such a zombie all day though because i'd fasted for 2 days. I've ended up going to the gym tonight and burning around 400 - and I've eaten a small apple and a tiny bowl of soup, so around 200 max, more than likely less. I LOVE freedom. I can finally get myself into negative net every day. 7 pounds. 10 days. leeeeeeeGO.

Slight worry that I'll still feel fat at 139 - i feel huge at the moment. I keep putting my bikini on and wondering around the flat to try and make myself feel more comfortable in it. But I cant even look at myself in it. How did I live my life at 158?

I went on the wi-fit today, just because i was bored and wanted something to play on to keep me from going into a lack of food/energy nap. I haven't been on it for over a year but when i measured my weight it said I'd lost a pound since i'd last been on. So basically, over the last year I managed to put a stone on without even fucking realising - I make myself sick.

Finally got around to putting up a picture. But gotta long way to go. I've also realised while I was in the gym that hate my bum. it's so big.


EDIT: okay i removed the pictures. I was just too paranoid. Don't know what i'm going to be like on a beach. shitting myself.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012


Today has been the first day of my fast, it's just gone midnight and I'm 147 pounds... 11 pounds down from when i started.

I know I'm completely off my goals that I set at the start of January but I suppose I can't complain at 11 pounds in 3 weeks. I'm hoping that my fast will help me shift 7 more pounds by the 5th Feb (11 days time!!!). Only then will i be even slightly comfortable on a beach.

My exams finish tomorrow. I admit I have slacked on the exercise over the last week/week and a half but tomorrow at 11.30am brings freedom. Freedom to exercise, freedom to fast, freedom to think thin, freedom to be beautiful.

I don't feel any thiner than what I felt at the start of January. I still feel like a fat mess. I literally can't see where 11 pound has gone from and i just dont.get.why. I see before and after thinspo with people looking completely different at even just a stone loss. I find it hard to believe that I'll even notice any weight loss until I'm at least another 7 pounds down. Does anyone else have this problem?

How's everyone doing?
You guys are my motivation.


EDIT: I've lost my post that i did at the start of January with my targets..? Anyone know where it's run off to?

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Okay, sorry I've been really shitty lately at reading peoples blogs and writing my own. Exams just take over me and lead me into a binging, not sleeping mess.

I'm 148. I have 15 days to get to 139. That's possible right? Exams finish on Wednesday and then i have 10 days of freedom to exercise all day every day.

How is everyone?


Thursday, 19 January 2012


It's started. I binge again. I go from one extreme to another - from starvation to binge/purge.

Some one save me from myself.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

someone stop me.

Today has just been a constant binge. I'm scared to even think of stepping on the scales tomorrow. and i've gotta go out for a meal for someones birthday. i don't know what the fuck to do. Motivation... where are you?

151 :(

Friday, 13 January 2012


so my plan was to finish up work early and have a night to myself... go to the gym, have a bath, get an early night and have lost weight by tomorrow.

Ended up going to the casino, losing £200, eating cheesy chips, drinking 2 beers and not getting in till now - when i've gotta be up in 4 hours.

I just got back and purged. Weighed myself and i'm at 151.

Looks like im going to fail my exams, get fat and lose all my money.

Sorry about the bad mood. I'm just so frustrated at myself.



Finally reached my goal.. 2 days later than planned. 5 more pounds to lose before Wednesday... get me on a treadmill!

Yesterday was awful. I was supposed to be working all day but ended up having to take my friend to the supermarket, and the starbucks, and then MCDONALDS. So i had to sit there while everyone ate mcdonalds. painful. Had the most calories I've had in 2 weeks yesterday - ate leek and potato soup (200), a natural cashew and blueberry bar (250)!!! and a large soya latte (170).

Definitely will not be going near the 'natural' range of snacks. They don't put the calorie content on and as soon as i look on the internet i was disgusted.

Anyway back to work!!

Keep strong girls.


P.S. My OBSESSION with grapes has gone too far. I forgot to add i ate about 300g of grapes aswell yesterday (150) :(

Tuesday, 10 January 2012


First goal of 149 definitely won't be reached by tomorrow. I'm so upset. My fucking period has just gone and fucked everything up. Or my fucking body is just holding in water and whatever the fuck else it wants to make me look fat.

Today's been pretty tough. Had to spend the whole day at uni again because of revision. Then I had to drive my friend to a supermarket to return a favour - which then meant i had to take him home to cook and drive him back to uni after... i'm such a good friend. anyways, he cooked chicken, couscous and pesto and made enough for me and kept trying to give it me. I was SO strong and told him I wasn't hungry. We both knew it was a lie though, as on the way back to uni I was nibbling away at my grapes.

As well as this on the way to the supermarket my other friend wanted a McDonalds. So I had to sit in the car and watch him eat 2 burgers and a McFlurry. It smelt so good.

Revisions not going well. Im well and truely fucked for my exams next week. I've lost all motivation to even care. I'm more annoyed that I've wasted the day at uni and havent had the chance to go to the gym.

Sorry about the rant of a post! Hope everyone's okay.




Monday, 9 January 2012

So I'm on my period. I know a few of you mentioned that that would cause me to put on weight... any one get any ideas of estimates etc? I'm thinking this may have been the reason for my stall throughout the week as well.

I was 150 this morning. I know i shouldn't be weighing myself everyday but i literally can't help it. It's all I think about. I still can't see any results - still feeling/looking like my normal fat self. 300 calories today, had leek and potato soup (205 calories) and bought some marmite rice cakes (94 calories) - marmite rice cakes are RANK by the way. I don't even know why I ate them... I've got an annoying habit of eating what I buy because I hate to waste money (that I dont have) on food that I dont eat.

I hope my period doesn't stop me reaching my goal of 149 by Wednesday :(

Sunday, 8 January 2012


Dropped a pound. I'm now down to 151 - so i can stop stressing about staying the same! Did a ton of exercise yesterday to get rid of the 9 rice cakes. Tomorrow I'm going to fast to get myself down to my target of 149 by Wednesday morning, today I'm just going to keep under 300 calories I guess, and burn it all off before I go to bed.

Yesterday was productive - Managed to do loads of work until midnight and then still went to the gym afterwards. I know its boring, but thats pretty much how my life needs to be for the next 2 weeks until exams are over. i'm already stressing because everyone started revising like a month ago - and as per usual, i left it last minute and started yesterday. If I can keep up this routine, I'll be very impressed with myself.

This week I've been a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. Girls, I think we completely underestimate our willpower. A few months ago my binges were at their worst - and I'd stopped purging, I literally have no idea what caused it but I feel sick when I think how much I used to eat. I'm so glad I've overcome that in the last 2 months.

As i previously mentioned in my first blog.. my ex boyfriend. So, he's just got a new girlfriend... and i just don't know how to feel about it. He was the one that somehow made me feel so wanted I didn't have to be bulimic, and the only one that knew about it.... but then he was also the one that when we broke up turned me into an absolute emotional binger. I guess I've always had the control over the relationship - even though he's had complete control over my emotions.. and now I know longer have control, he has it all. I feel like he's won in a way. Weird.


Saturday, 7 January 2012


152 again today... but no weight loss in a few days is bugging me. Must step up on the exercise.

Today has been okay, had to start revision for my exams so i've been pretty busy. Its now 6pm and I've just had a handful of grapes and a soy latte because I started getting dizzy. It's amazing how much my stomach has shrank. Normally I'd eat a whole bag of grapes as a little snack or something - now i could hardly manage a handful for the whole day.. and now im sitting here bloated and full. I hate this feeling. Seriously considering purging to get rid of it.

Uni exams are coming up... I'm currently in the library (hence the title). I've gotta spend the next 3 weeks revising/doing exams. I can't concentrate though. I just want them to be over so I have more free time.

I bought some rice cakes... thanks to everyone who recommended :D Just got the cheapo diet ones though that taste a bit shit! Will probs go and get some snack-a-jacks tomorrow instead!!

Calorie total for today is about 250... if i don't eat anything else. Net cal should be lower.

How's everyones days been?


Update: ended up eating 6 of those fucking rice cakes. I should not let myself near to snack food.

Friday, 6 January 2012


Good or Bad? Need some ideas of some negative/low cal stacks I can have when i need energy.

How's everyone doing today?



So. I've put on a pound. I have no idea why. Yesterday, I ate a few grapes, soup for dinner and 2 cups of coffee... 300 calories.

At a major low today. If my body carries on like this then I definitely won't meet my first target.

What am I doing wrong?????

Thursday, 5 January 2012


So - I've decided that if I don't reach at least 139 by the end of January I will be fuming. I've thought about it and although I don't want a goal weight I'm going to aspire towards 125 for now. Now I just need some motivation.


152. Today has been a good day.

I didn't mention that I'd gone up to 158 over christmas!! But it's okay, I'm sorting it. I'm going to aim to post everyday, it's such good motivation. At the moment i'm having coffee throughout the day, and then 85 calories of homemade soup for dinner. Hopefully over time I'll be able to ween myself off the soup for weekends or something.

I've decided to make some goals. Would be great to share them with someone.

4th Jan - s/w 158 (11st 4)
11th Jan - 149 (10st 9)
18th Jan - 145 (10st 5)
25th Jan - 140 (10st)
1st Feb - 135 (9st 9) FASTING FROM THE 26TH JAN -  4TH FEB.

Someone tell me... is this being too optimistic? I know I should really aim high to start of with... but i don't want to disappoint myself.

One of my main aims is to stop my bulimic tendencies. I feel so much better restricting than binging and purging.

January is my month.