Alone.

So it's been a month since my last post and all I've done is eat and get fat.

Today i feel low. and so alone. It's like you live your life thinking positive and then one night everything just hits you. and you can't bear it. I spend my life ignoring the negatives in situations, ignoring how alone and unloved i feel, blocking people out, i suppose that's kind of a good thing right? Thinking positive? But then I see my weight creeping up and I know exactly why I'm doing it. Because eating makes people feel better, yea...? NO. this is emotion i need to change.

In January I completely blocked out this urge, I had so much self control I was eating 200 calories a day, exercising loads and feeling amazing. I lost like 12lbs in 3 weeks. And i felt like i was in control of my life for the first time in ages. And then I got comfortable, and forgot about everything and now I'm exactly where i started on the 1st January 2012. 152 pounds. and miserable. I can't bear looking in the mirror, I can't bear looking at my tiny friends who eat anything and everything they want and still look incredible. I've fucked up my body so much that eating steadily for a while means I put on weight. My body is so used to eating soup, and one meal a day that when I act 'normally' it decides I should be obese.

So has anyone heard of the Master Cleanse? I've been meaning to do it for ages. 10 days of drinking water mixed with lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Most people lose around 8-12 pounds in the 10 days and are left detached from their old food habits and emotions. I think this is what I need to get myself back in that mindset. If I can manage 10 days then I can end it by going back onto my soup diet. And hopefully sort my life/body out. But I suppose it's easier said that done. Especially in my case. My last blog post was raving about how thin I was going to get and how determined I was... pretty sure that didn't work out.

Personally, I think the fact that I lost weight so easily in January just gave me the mindset that I could eat whatever I wanted until I put it all back on, just because I can lose it again. But its like although I weight the same, i can tell I'm bigger. Everything. My legs, my bum, my face, my arms. EVERYTHING.

So basically I'm going to start the master cleanse as soon as I go back to uni, which should be sometime over the next week. Until then I'll just be having soup to prepare myself.

I hope people actually read this. I need you right now. I feel so alone.

xoxo