Alone.

So it's been a month since my last post and all I've done is eat and get fat.

Today i feel low. and so alone. It's like you live your life thinking positive and then one night everything just hits you. and you can't bear it. I spend my life ignoring the negatives in situations, ignoring how alone and unloved i feel, blocking people out, i suppose that's kind of a good thing right? Thinking positive? But then I see my weight creeping up and I know exactly why I'm doing it. Because eating makes people feel better, yea...? NO. this is emotion i need to change.

In January I completely blocked out this urge, I had so much self control I was eating 200 calories a day, exercising loads and feeling amazing. I lost like 12lbs in 3 weeks. And i felt like i was in control of my life for the first time in ages. And then I got comfortable, and forgot about everything and now I'm exactly where i started on the 1st January 2012. 152 pounds. and miserable. I can't bear looking in the mirror, I can't bear looking at my tiny friends who eat anything and everything they want and still look incredible. I've fucked up my body so much that eating steadily for a while means I put on weight. My body is so used to eating soup, and one meal a day that when I act 'normally' it decides I should be obese.

So has anyone heard of the Master Cleanse? I've been meaning to do it for ages. 10 days of drinking water mixed with lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Most people lose around 8-12 pounds in the 10 days and are left detached from their old food habits and emotions. I think this is what I need to get myself back in that mindset. If I can manage 10 days then I can end it by going back onto my soup diet. And hopefully sort my life/body out. But I suppose it's easier said that done. Especially in my case. My last blog post was raving about how thin I was going to get and how determined I was... pretty sure that didn't work out.

Personally, I think the fact that I lost weight so easily in January just gave me the mindset that I could eat whatever I wanted until I put it all back on, just because I can lose it again. But its like although I weight the same, i can tell I'm bigger. Everything. My legs, my bum, my face, my arms. EVERYTHING.

So basically I'm going to start the master cleanse as soon as I go back to uni, which should be sometime over the next week. Until then I'll just be having soup to prepare myself.

I hope people actually read this. I need you right now. I feel so alone.

xoxo

Wow I'm shit.

So I did so well all of January because I had something to focus on... my holiday. Apparently, I only work to be thin when i have a close deadline.

So, I'm trying to think of things in my life to focus on to get thin. At the moment I'm going out loads, drinking loads and eating fucking loads - I don't remember the last time I cooked, I dont think I have this year - I am just constantly eating out, getting takeout or eating at friends. AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.

Today I weighed 150.

It's making me feel like shit.

I'm going traveling for 6 weeks over summer, leaving mid-July. I have to be 130 maximum by then. I'm going to be living in a bikini.

Perfection.

Okay. So basically I haven't been on here in absolutely ages so SORRY for being so shit!

I had an amazing holiday. and i mean FUCKING AMAZING. I left on the 5th Feb and weighed down to 144. Since then I've just eaten complete shit because I didn't put on weight on holiday (and I was eating fucking loads... like an unhuman amount).. which gave me the impression that I had turned into one of those fucking amazing robot human beings who eat whatever the fuck they want and never put on weight....

Well. Guess what? I was wrong.

I am now 149. And ready to get back on it. 


I think I should really set some goals, give me something to keep me motivated you know? My first end goal for when I started was to be 139... and then continue from there. So my goal for now is 139 - 10 pounds loss. I did quite well in January - I lost 14 pounds in a month. So I'm going to say 25th March is my target for 139.


25th March 2012. 139. 

WTF.

So there I was gushing about my 14 pound loss - down to 144. But.. this weekend has ruined me beyond belief, and now I have no idea what to do about it.

Friday - was okay, I just had one glass of wine at the pub as everyone was drinking, didn't really effect my weight.

Saturday - I had to go out for a curry (!!!!) and also it was my mates birthday so was drinking a lot. I didn't eat all day, as normal and then I went and ate a Balti, some naan and chicken tikka. I also drank about a bottle of wine, 2 wkd's, 2 desperados and an amerreto and coke... then woke up and ate some toast. All in all a shit shit day.

And now i've woken up this morning, and i'm 150 POUNDS. WHAT.THE.FUCK. I'm freaking out :(

144.8

So, I've lost a stone!! Why can't I tell?

5 more pounds to lose in 8 days, lets just hope i can do it. hopehopehope. So, I haven't been fasting, at all. But, I read a great post about oranges and the way they help you lead to a flatter stomach - so the last few days I've eaten 3 clementines. And it is working, my stomach is less bloated and my hips are more prominent.

I'm super worried because I just realised that my period is due whilst I'm on holiday. Is all my hard work just going to turn me into a bloated mess in a bikini? Does anyone know if if I were to go back on the pill this week and stop my period - would that stop the bloating??? I NEED HELP!

Other news is that I dyed my hair brown... I'm usually peroxide blonde! It's a big shock but i'm pretty sure i like it.. not sure how long that will last for though, I hate looking plain.

Hope you are all okay beauties. I'm always here for all of you.

xxxxxx

dreams of underweight.

So I've just worked out my BMI is currently 19.9. I feel sick. I remember when I used to have scales that used to automatically count your weight and body fat - this was when I was a lot younger and thinner. They used to always tell me underweight. I bet if i stepped on them now they'd say obese.

I've worked out that in order to get back into the BMI of underweight I need to be 136 - with a BMI of 18.4. So that is my next goal. I know that it won't be possible to lose 11 pounds in the next 10 days. And then (i bet) i'll come back off holiday really fat. So who knows when I'll reach it. But if it's not by the end of February I'll be mad.

So I still have 7 pounds to lose in 10 days. I need advise on how to do it PLEASE. I'm begging you. Any advice/tips/motivation will be amazing.

I found some tablets in my draw called LipoBind the other day. From what i gathered they're to do with fat binding in the food you eat - so apparently out of what you eat only 60% of the calories affect you, the rest are 'binded'. Some woman on the forum wrote something about how she was now allowed a McDonalds because it was 40% less fat.... er NO!! Does anyone know if these are even worth taking if I'm not really eating, or if i do eat it's minimum 200 calories a day? Or can anyone recommend anything else i can get, preferably from a drug store cause I dont have time for internet buying!

lovelovelove xxxxxxx

Pictures.

Today I was 146. This makes me happy. I felt like such a zombie all day though because i'd fasted for 2 days. I've ended up going to the gym tonight and burning around 400 - and I've eaten a small apple and a tiny bowl of soup, so around 200 max, more than likely less. I LOVE freedom. I can finally get myself into negative net every day. 7 pounds. 10 days. leeeeeeeGO.

Slight worry that I'll still feel fat at 139 - i feel huge at the moment. I keep putting my bikini on and wondering around the flat to try and make myself feel more comfortable in it. But I cant even look at myself in it. How did I live my life at 158?

I went on the wi-fit today, just because i was bored and wanted something to play on to keep me from going into a lack of food/energy nap. I haven't been on it for over a year but when i measured my weight it said I'd lost a pound since i'd last been on. So basically, over the last year I managed to put a stone on without even fucking realising - I make myself sick.

Finally got around to putting up a picture. But gotta long way to go. I've also realised while I was in the gym that hate my bum. it's so big.


X

EDIT: okay i removed the pictures. I was just too paranoid. Don't know what i'm going to be like on a beach. shitting myself.